Fifth Day of Christmas

On the fifth day of Christmas,
I bought you two feets and a fetus!

Tick tock!

On the fifth day of Christmas,
I hated my Mom like an H-bomb!

Tick tock!

It's like tickling a corpse!
It's like pickling your feces!

Your retarded cousin set himself on fire
on the fifth day of Christmas!

Tick tock!

I Forgot Vietnam

I forgot Howdy Doody!
I forgot how to hum!

I forgot the gamines!
I forgot the grommets!

I forgot the
gamines in you-name-a-city!

I forgot the
grommets in my wampum!

I forgot Vietnam!

Prom

I tackled a duckling!
You called it "King Canute!"

I neutered the interns!
You enraptured the saboteurs!

Then we drove all the gunk out of Ireland!

In the Movie, Tina Fey will play Dahlia Lithwick!

Your lawyer locks you in the
loo of a rural
jury-box with a

litter of piglets and a
thick fur wig!

You deserted your yurt!

You deserted your yurt and

suddenly you were
dancing in the movies!

Everybody loved you!

(Smooch!)

Everybody loves you now!

Body Count

We counted by teeth!
We counted by squeaks and hee-haw whiskey!

We counted by ashes!
We counted by dimes!

We counted by blood and the blinding arc of revelation!

Menu

Gumbo bunions for the matrons and snot-bigots!
Mutton for the goons!

Bongo onions for the Romans and shit-midgets!
Mush for Grandma!

Bingo honey for the crazy girls!

Studio City

Have you ever eaten human flesh?
Have you ever eaten human flesh in a major motion picture?

I own your eyeball!

I own your ear!

I own your ear and all I had to eat was
human flesh in a major motion picture!

Stalker

My real name rhymes with zebra!
I'm stalking the Queen of Sweden

as we speak!

Too Cute to Die

If you're ever about to be executed,
don't bother to beg your

ex-girlfriend to pay the exorbitant ransom!

She moved to Milan more than 25 years ago!
She won't even take your calls!

Sign

It looks like a sign to
warn children away from
unsafe drinking water!

They say it can sing like Milton Eisenhower!
It amuses the fawns!

Aren't they darlings?

It amuses the darling fawns!

Wild West

Are you in love with a horse
or are you more like naked?

Naked means naked!
Hanged means hanged!

A horse is horse!

A horse is a horse and a horse is naked!

Birthday Surprise

We ran for the exits.
The exits ran away.

Why were we even running?
Where else did we want to be?

Then the trees ran away,
then the sky,

then the ducks ran away with the bunnies,
and none of them said goodbye!

Closer

Some people got love.
Some didn't.

Some people got hate.
Some didn't.

Some people say the world
sways like a cradle.

Some people say the world
sways like an earthquake.

Some people say the world sways like an earthquake
and we're closer to the end than the beginning.

Week-end

It's the end of the world!
It's the end of the week!

Our sleek but
plus-size housekeeper pulses in her sleep!

Our God is a hockey puck!
Our world is a fluke!

It's the end of the war!
It's the end of the week!

Our sleek but
plus-size housekeeper pulses in her sleep!

In the Army of Cannibals

Did you really re-enlist in the
Army of Cannibals?

No, I never re-enlisted!

I was born in the
Army of Cannibals!

I will die in the
Army of Cannibals and in the

Army of Cannibals I will be
eaten.

I Am My Selfie

We who pretend to be
pure of heart

We who pretend to be
selfless

I am my selfie
motherfuckers

I am my selfie
motherfuckers

We who pretend to be
pure of heart

We who pretend to be
selfless

Boomerang

Maybe I be famous for screaming-in-the-sanctuary!
Maybe I be famous for hurdy-blood-gurdy!
Maybe I be famous for murder-words-bum-udders!

(I can also throw a boomerang.)

Maybe I be famous for freak-you-out-Abigail!
Maybe I be famous for feed-you-to-my-pigs!
Maybe I be famous for fat-like-forget-you!

(I can also knit a sock.)

Motto

I was never a god,
but I was pop-pop-pop-

popular at Hollywood High School,
and I never stopped howling our motto!

Panther Eats the Stars!

Malibu is very bio-diverse community, a typical pool-party party includes four or five different species who don't always play nicely together, and midway through the evening you may find yourself bleeding from the ears in an unlicensed animal hospital on the outskirts of Rancho Cucamonga.

So here I am in a big grassy field with my new best friend Mr. Cobra and his job is slithering through the tall weeds and biting me on the neck, while my job is getting bitten by a cobra and being a very good sport about it!

Mr. Cobra appeared in more than sixty Hollywood productions before he became the famous party animal that we all know and love today, so he doesn't just slither invisibly through the grass, he rattles his tail on every dry stalk, hissing all the while like a deranged reptilian tea-pot!

"So bite me already," I scream! "I'm ready to die!"

But instead I endure hour after hour of this hissing slithering refugee from the Naked Jungle or the Naked City or some other equally hideous film-noir!

Hiss hiss and hiss!

Mr. Bullfrog and his beautiful wife join in from the nearby swamps of Malibu, and now we're singing...

Hiss! Boom!

At last Mr. Panther appears with a life-like replica of Shirley Temple in his jaws, blood and bits of Shirley Temple hit the walls, and one by one all the faraway stars disappear in the soft Pacific twilight.

Sleep

I'm the hockey puck that knocked out
Bobby Orr's front teeth!

Now he doesn't even look like a human being!

He screams all night!
His own mother offered me $10,000 to kill him!

"Put him out of his misery!"

"Please!"

Hound on Grandma

I'm a hound on the
ground with a mango engram!

I'm a hound on Grandma!

I gave you a life and you transformed it into a
gormless freak-show for your

Romeos and oglers!

Now you want me to drown?

I'm a hound on the
ground with a gringo genome!

I'm a hound on Grandma!

How I Fixed the Economy

All the bees died first,
then all the girls.

So I hitchhiked to Washington and
killed all the politicians

but all the bees died first,
then all the girls.

Death-crime

They licked my lollipop!
They said I was fat!

Then they buried my heart at the nearest bus-stop,
and I never missed another bus!

Fur Word

Which word feels like fur?

Which word feels like
kisses under kisses?

I know your secret!

Speaking for the Animals

Am I speaking for the animals?
Am I speaking for the stars?

Am I speaking for the star-destroyers or the
breakers of galaxies

or a busload of fucked-up Russian

runway models from
Omsk or Tomsk or Volgograd?

I don't want to know!

Pumpkins

"My sun is a scissors for snipping off tails,"
said the cat to the pumpkins.

"I'm a sun among cats!"
"I'm a cat among pumpkins!"

"I got pancakes and gumption!"
"Today is my day!"

Shadow

sun under the pines

cat stalking
sparrows through the purple

shadows

Winky-Blinky Oblivion

I'm afraid of the dark!
Winky-blinky oblivion!

My mom lives in a squat!

My heart is a marmot!
My art don't emote!

I got nothing to park and

nowhere to park it!

Script

Sharon Stone dances naked down Hollywood Boulevard
and of course she has to pull this stunt in front of a

busload of Japanese tourists!

Then the tourists transform into
space-worms and wiggle all over the bus with their

Nikons and Canons and their crazy antennae!

These are very bad worms!

They posted a lol-cat on my home-page!
They ate my scone!

They left me to die on the Pacific Coast Highway!

Then the worms wiggle off the bus and there's
blood and guts everywhere!

Blood and guts in West Hollywood!
Blood and guts in Bel Air!

Comfort Inn

Clean sheets, neatly folded towels,
and it's easy to
find me on a map!

Comfort Inn off the Sweet Grass Exit on Interstate 90!

"Here exactly I am," I say out loud, and on TV

Dick Powell sings Lullaby of Broadway

while a
cast of thousands spins and twirls and

suddenly I see your face
in every face on Broadway!

Bio

This is absolutely
spectacular heroin, says the
motherly roadie for the Rolling Stones.
So what if we live in a brutal plutocracy?
Think about your forever and everywhere all-access pass!
Think about the enigma of crunk and nacre!
Think about Michael Jackson embalmed in rose oil!

The least you can do is
smile for the fucking cameras!

Lake Tahoe

Fog on the lake,
frost in the pines,
bad luck in the lakeside casinos.

A duck quacks!

Autumn.

Sky-box

I live in a box in the
sky over Tokyo

and Americans always ask me
why I live in a box and how much
rent do I pay?

Why not live over St. Tropez or St. Moritz?

Somewhere a man can buy a goddamned Twinkie!

Zone

You'll know if this
war was all about commodities,
when they ship you home in a box!

Now shut the fuck up!

Forties

We sat down in the middle of
somebody's moving day and listened to a
pile of old cds from the Cure and Oasis and so on,
and that was probably the last or the
next to the last or the next to the next to
the next to the last time we ever asked ourselves,
who are we and where are we going?

I Hate the Yankees!

They inflamed my acne!
They mocked my yak!
They maced my nanny!

They never get the joke!

They never get the joke,
not even if you explain it to them in a
million different languages!

They never get the joke,
not even if you write it in flaming letters across the sky!
Not even if you engrave it in their DNA!

They never get the joke!

Sky

If you live in the sky,
you may be blue!
You may be blank!

You may fade into thunder!
You may fade into pink!

Someone may trade you for a pie!

You may spin like a windmill or
stick like fixed stars!

Who are you?
Who are you?
Who are you?

Who are you in the bars?
Who are you on the twilight boulevards?

Night-life

I wanted a life, and I wanted a night-life
but if I had only wanted a day-life,
I could have lived anywhere!

I could have lived in Siberia!
I could have lived in Ecuador!

I could have lived in the
snowy fields or the
hummingbird-jungle!

But I wanted a life, and I wanted a night-life,
so I lived in New York or Los Angeles,
Bali Malibu Hong Kong Honolulu...

Did you follow the sun, my friends,
or did you follow the dolphins?

Hampton Roads

I was born between Hampton Roads and the Chesapeake Bay,
ocean into the bay, bay back into the ocean,
Pensacola to Ocracoke Island and Roanoke Sound.

When I was 14 years old my older
brother and I recreated a 40's jazz band called the
Road Amps (get it?)
which our friends twisted into the
Hump Rats and as that we toured for
14 years or 14 minutes!

Ocean into the bay, bay back into the ocean,
as they say, and now there's even a
local revival band that plays
ska in the upscale
college bars on Ocracoke Island and Hampton Roads.

Sunrise in Malibu

High tide at sunrise!

High tide all the way to Topanga
Canyon and Rancho Cucamonga and

how much
evil can you even

imagine, if you were
born in Bel-Air and the farthest

east you ever went was Malibu?

Vacation

We were young.
We were wrong.

All we wanted was cake!

So they gave us a steak of
unknown origin, and a

life-time vacation among the cannibals.

Bluegrass

Dance if you can,
and if you can't dance,
then fiddle!

But if you can't dance
and you can't even fiddle,
you are no true man.