A Message from the Maharani

You're afraid of the fire,
and you're already burning!

Helmet

I got a mullet and a meth-helmet!
What the hell?

Mulct the whelks?
Milk the whales?
Welch on Willie?

I got a mullet and a meth-helmet!
What the hell?

Ice

Stripper opens her steamer-trunk and a
midget jumps out of it!

Midget howling like a fiend!

I own a magic orange, says the midget.
Give me back my cigar!
Are there narcs in Iran?

Stripper hurls a few
trinkets at the midget and asks herself...

Is this the life I chose?
Midgets shrieking in a sex-club?

Let's go skiing instead, says the midget.
Skis hissing on the snow-pack!

Blue skies!
Blue skies!
Blue skies!

Skis hissing on the ice!

Hollywood Boulevard

I scream salaam at the signal-man!
Salaam!

My granddad got the
glam-malaria from Lana Turner.

Salaam!

He grew hundreds of fins!
Salaam!

He looked more like a peony than a fish!
Salaam!

We buried him under Hollywood Boulevard.
Salaam!

I scream salaam at the signal-man!
Salaam!

Cop

Do I look like the kind of woman who would
eat all the frosting off her daughter's wedding-cake?

Ma'am, you're crawling around on the floor.
You have frosting all over your face,
You're completely naked.
What am I supposed to think?

Tell me!

What am I supposed to think?

Hollywood

Once upon a time the
Society of Fish at
Hollywood High School elected her as the
sluttiest prom date in Hollywood,
and ever since that day she begins every sentence with
"Speaking as a celebrity..."

So now when it's 400 degrees on Sunset Boulevard and the
last trees burst into flames and my
Grandma curses God, she says...

"Speaking as a celebrity, I curse God."

Tiara

I got a pig in my tiara!
Pig like a thousand suns!

Like a thousand suns?
Or like a thousand gerbils?

Are you really even wearing a tiara?
Or are you wearing a donut?

I got a pig in my donut!

Donut like a thousand suns!

Jingle

I'll be the
tango in your mango
if you'll be the
money on my tongue.

Mango as sweet as money!
Mango as sweet as money!

I'll be your
mangled Anglo jingle
if you'll be the
money on my tongue.

Hollywood

I know hundreds of ghosts,
but only one money.

Are we having fun yet?

I have brung my stenographer with me
into the men's room!

Run away!

Run away from the rodents and donuts and
you can quote me!

I can quote myself!

I have brung my stenographer with me
into the men's room!

Vacation

Are you looking for a whale?
I'm your non-fatal case of the flop-sweats!

Are you my date?
I'm the national tap-root!

Is this really the end of vacation?

A Good Beginning

We called him "Ernest," we boys who ran around the
old marina on Key West.

"Hey Mr. Hemingway! Hey Ernest!"

This name enraged him, and while he was flummoxed,
we could sneak up behind him and steal the glasses off his face.

Cats

Most people don't take me seriously,
because I'm a cat.

Cat-a-rat-a-rat-cat!
Cat-a-rat-a-rat-cat!

You can't taste water in your mouth!
We never take a bath!

Cat-a-rat-a-rat-cat!
Cat-a-rat-a-rat-cat!

Were you ever a were-cat?
Can you hear them laughing?

Laugh like the water in your mouth!

Banana

Monkey-face on the sidewalk
cracks under the leaves
I see you monkey-face

I'm the man from Amalgamated Marmalade!
Life is my banana

Life is my banana banana banana

Are you underwhelmed by my arm-hole?
Are there yodelers in your back yard?
Shall I eat my grandma?

I'm the man from Amalgamated Marmalade!
Life is my banana banana banana

A Wrong-Colored Sky

You wanted a wrong-colored sky,

sky as seen from a peach,
sky as seen from a plum.

"No, you don't want a
wrong-colored sky," they told you,
"Try to look at it our way."

"First close one eye."
"Then poke out the other."

Rainy Nights in Hollywood

I looked up, and
suddenly the stars were
bright enough to light the world premiere of
SPIDERMAN
SPIDERMAN
SPIDERMAN
SPIDERMAN