Barnacles

Are you my ideal?
You look more like a barnacle.

Can a barnacle scream?
What eats barnacles?

Whelks!

Whelks eat barnacles,
while the barnacles scream like the sea!

Best Wishes

Maggots in my genome!
Gnats in my snoot!
I can't even get a date with a
comatose Texas divorcee!
Vogue is giving away an Aston-Martin
to whoever can keep the most women away from me.
My mom screamed when she saw the sonogram!
Please God make it go away and I'll
eat my vagina!

Psycho-Economics

My cerebral raccoon...
Your what?

My neuronal corncob...
Your what?

Cake for cake!
Coke for coke!
Puke for puke!

I'm the nuke of the new economics!
I'm the nosecone of no second chance!

Homeroom Operetta

Methamphetamine in the morning,
chemotherapy at noon,
cloves in my glove...

Homeopathy is a metaphor for love.

What's your cure-word, hootie mama?
Is my gel on your elm?
Is my yam in your ape?
Is my bee in your glee-cat?

What's your cure-word, hootie mama?
I never forgot our homeroom operetta!

Ellis Island

Maybe grandma slammed down a few too many smoothies,
but she's still a cohesive monolith.

Hemline on the horizon!
Snitches in the schools!

Did you really want to dance with grandma,
little man?

You never had a chance!

Grandma got the moon!
You got a sitcom in your underpants!

Griffith Park

Sallie sashays downstairs in her
négligée and says the
ignition is broken again on her broken-down Volvo.
On the street I can hear Ronnie rolling up the
awning at Café Intelligentsia and Enrique starts
shouting at his dog in back of
Enrique's Auto Parts...

Junkyard dog in the infinite junkyard.

Poem

Sickle moon in a scribble of branches
and me already writing a poem…

when one of a thousand
village idiots who roam the streets of Hollywood
sneaks up behind me
and
honks a plastic bike-horn!

Big smiles all around!

Sacerdotal Catchwords

Children!
Get out your crayons!
Today we redecorate the universe!

Children!

Memorize the sacerdotal catchwords!
Mutilate the electors!
Roast the scrotal oldsters!

Children!

Get out your crayons!
Today we redecorate the universe!

Amnesia

Gink the pink, paupers!
Poop your pitiful shoes for pre-teen voyeurs!
Inseminate your hernias!

It could be worse!

You inherit amnesia!
There's no next verse!

2000

I'll vote for a paper-clip under my refrigerator before I waste another vote on a Democrat.

I'll vote for a hatbox with a severed head in it before I waste another vote on a Democrat.

It isn't a choice between Nader and the Democrats!

It's a choice between Nader and a plastic spoon with ants on it!

It's a choice between Nader and a 1988 Oklahoma license plate!

Girl from Villa Reale

My mother and father have gone into town.
In the flowering fields you and I will lie down
and conceive a fine son!

We shall name him Pascual
and he'll be an arch-bishop, Pope, or cardinal,
or he'll be a pig-farmer from Villa Reale.

….........................................................................


[translated from a 15th Century serranilla]


Mi padre e mi madre
han ido al lugar.
Haremos la cama
junto al retamal.
Haremos un hijo,
llamarse ha Pascual.
O sera arzobispo,
papa o cardenal,
o sera porquerizo
de Villa Reale!
 

Mom

I garrotted her twice for the same tacky haircut!

Touché!

I garrotted the gnats on her goiter!

Touché!

I garrotted the goop in her grotto!

Touché!

Fiction

Transgender strangler walks into a bar,
strangles everybody in it,
drinks all the booze,
skins all the corpses,
sells the skin on eBay.

Now he's writing a book about Olympic anteaters.
There's no such thing!